Harley Quinn Meets Deadpool

Setting: New York, late evening.  As the city goes about its nightly tasks, we see Deadpool crouching on the side railing of a Bridge, seemingly talking to himself, which for Deadpool is nothing unusual.

“ Ahhh New York City!!  The sights, the smells, the screams of low life scum that dangle above the East river.”

Zoomed out we see a person, hanging by one foot from the railing on which DP sits.

“ Come on man!!! I told Vinny I would pay him the money as soon as I made the sale!!”

DP shakes his head and waggles his finger

“ Yeah well Billy Boy, Vinny’s daughter needs braces. And let me tell you this kid NEEDS braces. Just don’t tell Vinny he has a habit of breaking things, namely different body parts when people talk about his ugly kids.”  

DP pulls out a large combat knife and spins it around in his hand.

“So Billy are ya gonna cough up some dough or you could be coughing up random things that float around in river. Nothing like a little medical waste to clear up the ole sinuses, that’s what my Pa used to say. Of course he was fond of naked pics of Bea Arthur. And he claimed that his Jell-O was sending him secret messages. Man there was this one time….”

As Dp is talking he starts to slowly cut away at the rope.
Billy stares up the cord and screams

“ I got the money!! I got the money!! It’s in my pocket!!! Just pull me up and I will give it to you!!”

Dp pulls him up and goes on talking

“ That’s great!! Now we can all go home, I thought I was going to miss Lets Make a Deal on the Game Show Channel!!! Have you seen the god-awful appliances they gave away, I mean a bright red Radar Range!!! Well I guess it did match the red fridge and matching stove. And that time the guy got the two goats and later Monty found out he BBQed them and served them at a block party!!”

Leaning on the railing Billy fumbles in his pockets, and pulls out a wade of bills and holds them out to DP

“Here…..  Here’s the money… ”

Dp grabs the wad and flips through it

“ Thanks slick, I will make sure to tell Vinny you said Hi. I am sure his little horse faced daughter thanks you to.”

We see a back shot of Dp walking away and Billy leaning heavy on the rail, breathing a sigh of relief. Suddenly Dp’s arm shoots out and with a visible “POINK” he pokes Billy hard in the chest and he falls over the rail screaming. Dp keeps walking and talking…

“Yep New York City!! The sights, the smells, the sounds of scumbags screaming and landing in the East River.”



Scene: We see the outside of a run down warehouse. From inside DP is screaming…

“ TAKE THE BOX!!! THE BOX!!!!!”

“I’ll take the curtain.”

“NO!!!!!!!”

“And behind the curtain is!!! A pig in a tutu!! Sorr….”

A loud BLAM erupts from inside. Going in we see an unmasked DP standing in front of a blasted out TV holding a large pistol with smoke rising from the barrel.

“ I told her to take the box!! Why do they never listen to me!?! It would save me a fortune in TV repair bills.”

A small cell phone rings in the background. DP picks it up and flips it open.

“Yello… Richie!! You little butterball, how's it hanging? I did not mean that literally I was just being nice. I really don’t care which way its hangin… errr never mind. So WAZ UP!!!!”

The heavily sweating face of an overweight balding man speaks into a phone

“ Enough with the wise cracks DP, I got a job for you. There’s a big payoff, coming from one of my contacts in Gotham. Big hitter, with an equally large bank roll.”

DP rummages through an old fridge, while talking. Mumbling as he holds a chicken leg in his mouth and a can of Coke in his right hand and some KFC looking containers in the other. He sets it all down on an old oil drum that has a tablecloth draped across it.

“Mmmmhhhmmmm go on, what’s the skinny? Who and for how much? And it had better be good; I mean I am living La vida loca right now. Gonna take some big cash to pull me away from the Boob tu….”

DP looks across the room at the still smoking TV and clears his throat.

“Ummm anyway..”

Richie wipes a rag across his brow

“ Ever been to Gotham city?”

over the phone

“Yeah kinda like NY, only with a reduction in that urine smell.”

“Yeah well there is this clown that backed out on a deal with my friend and decided to hack up a couple of his boys in the process. We would like him to be more comfortable in the summer. So we want you to ventilate him. Maybe give him a pair of cement shoes.”

DP takes a bite out of the chicken

“ Sounds like you need Bob Villa, Richmiester. I think I got his number around her somewhere.”

From the phone

“Very funny Pool, look the score is 1 mill, like I said this one is big!!”

DP taking a drink of Coke, spits it out over dramatically all over the panel giving the image of a camera lens getting covered with soda. Sputtering DP coughs into the phone

“When’s my flight leave?”





Scene Gotham City: Moving in from the cityscape we focus on the exterior of the First National Bank.  From inside we hear Harley Quinn.

“Ok nobody move!! This is a Stick up!!”

Moving into the bank we see tellers and customers stuck to the floor and the walls in a gooey chewed bubble gum type substance. Next Panel we see Harley full form with a large comic looking gun. A drop of goo drips from the end.

“Oh I guess ya can’t move. We’ll just be a minute folks I got some shoppin to do and needed to withdraw some cash from your accounts.”

Harleys Goons start ripping open drawers and emptying money into bags. One goon laughs and points to the people stuck to the walls.

“Geez when Harley says we was gonna stick up a bank, she wasn’t kiddin!!”

Another goon nearby laughs

“Yeah she is what you would call a “literal” type.”

Harley sitting on a counter flips through a stack of bills giving out orders

“Mommas gonna get a new pair of shoes tonight, heck mommas gonna buy a shoe factory!!”

Pulling a small doll looking like the joker out of her bag, it’s attached to a bundle of plastic explosives. She throws it to a large goon.

“Here ya go Pete, lets see what they got in the vault.”

At the same time we pan back outside and see a man in a trench coat walking down the sidewalk. His form flickers in certain places.

“Glad I kept my image projector, it makes moving around Gotham a lot easier. Not that there aren’t enough costumed freaks parading around this burg in the first place.”

He looks down at a newspaper he is holding and the front page is a picture of Batman swinging away. On the same page is a picture of Superman. Headline reads “SUPERMAN VISITS GOTHAM: Says he likes Metropolis better.”

“Man its worse then LA!”

Suddenly directly in front of him a large explosion rocks the front of the bank.
Stunned he stares blankly into the smoke pouring out of the front doors.
A figure appears out of the smoke in the outline of Harley.
Stumbling out of the Bank carrying sacks of money, she runs smack into DP. They both go down into a heap, bags of cash scatter.

Getting up quickly Harley begins grabbing the loose money.

“Hey Pal watch where I’m going!!! Your lucky I ain't got time to break a couple of your legs, but unfortunately my withdrawal didn’t go smoothly. Plus they didn’t give me my free toaster!!!”

Dp lying on the ground stares up at Harley, little hearts circle around his head. Noticing a bag of cash right next to him, he quickly picks it up and hands it to her.

Harley bends down takes the bag and gives DP a kiss on the forehead.

“Thanks a lot lucky, maybe we will run into each other in a Dark alley sometime. Lets Roll boys!!”

As DP watches Harley and her goons disappear down the street he mutters to himself

“I think the chances of us meeting again are pretty good, my little bank robber.”

Close up of one of the bags Harley is holding shows a small Spider tracer on the underside.


Scene: Night Falls in Gotham, We see DP in full gear standing on top of a roof holding a small Device in his hand. It is a red and blue spider scanner, very cheesy looking and beeping.

“Man I am glad I picked this up at Spidey’s last Garage sale!! And to think I almost bought that Atari instead. (But it did come with Combat) Oh well no sense crying over crappy 80s merchandise.”

Looking at the device, it has stopped beeping, shaking it, it starts beeping again

“Well if my little friend is correct, the future Mrs. Deadpool is in that warehouse.”

Twisting a knob on his belt he is teleported to the roof across the way.

“Glad I brought all this stuff with me, Makes dating so much easier. Now to dispatch of her goons guarding her to show my affection!”

Dropping silently through a skylight behind 2 goons. DP does the classic grabbing them by the head and bonking them together.

“ They always stand so close together, you think that hired thugs would have learned by now. Oh well, Hi Ho Hi Ho its off to maime I go….”

Deeper in a small office in the warehouse we see Harley sitting in the middle of stacks of money. A knock on the door takes her attention away from her counting.

“I told you not to disturb me!!! I am counting my Ill gotten gains!!”

DP kicks in the door….

“LUCY I’M HOME!!!!”

He strides in holding a bunch of weapons in his hands

“Here I picked these myself!! For you my little socio path!! Only the best for our first date!”

Harley looks past DP, outside the door is a pile of her Hench men groaning and moaning.

“My, My you sure do know how to make a girl feel wanted! I think I caught the vapors.”

Swooning Harley reaches for her gun on the desk and fires off a few rounds.

“How about a little Lead scarecrow!!”

Going back to DP we see him standing there with bullet holes in his costume. Small wisps of smoke rise from them.

“My moms gonna love ya!! Look at that grouping!! A girl after my own heart, shoot first them look stunned afterward. So you wanna go grab some food. I'm starving!”

Harley lowers the gun and smile

“Well seeing as how you went through all the trouble of finding me, beating the snot out of my goons, and taking a couple of bullets. Sure why not.”

Deadpool bows and motions for Harley to go first..

“Hey what kinda girl do you take me for?? We have not been properly introduced, and you have to meet my folks!!”

DP gets a confused look on his mask,

“I am Deadpool, you can call me Deadpool, but just don’t call me Susan! I hate when people call me that, oh and stinky, I really hate that!! But if you want you can call me tomorrow”

Harley looks perplexed for a moment then smiles and moves in front of a door marked Supplies. She takes a classic showgirl pose in front of it.

“Well DP I am Harley, Harley Quinn and these are my folks!”

She opens the door and two old people are tied up in the closet, they both have a look of fear on their faces. A sign is pinned between that reads “Help Us”
Harley slams the door.
“Ready?” She puts on a big smile


Scene: Outside of a French Restaurant Chez Expensive

Inside we see a group of people huddled in a corner, and the headwaiter is hanging tied up upside down from the ceiling.

At a table we see DP and HQ sitting at a table eating fast food, McDonald type bags are on the table.

DP’s mask is pulled up from his mouth and he eats a French fry.

“Sure glad we stopped and grabbed something before we got here. The service in this joint is terrible.”

Harley takes a drink of soda

“Yeah, I guess we don’t meet the dress code or something. I must say your taste in colors is tre’s good! Sorry about the bullet holes.”

“Naw that’s what my healing factor is for. And I have a spare costume at the hide out. Being a Merc on the go I have to be prepared for anything!!”

“Oh a Merc, so what brings you to scenic Gotham? You here to take care of our Rodent problem? If you are good luck, ole Bats in his Belfry is a tough cookie.”

DP pulls a small packet of papers out of his costume, and tosses them at Harley.

“Naw, I am here to ace some clown. But that will have to wait, now that I met you. I think I will stick around a little longer and maybe you can show me around inside, outside…”

As DP is talking Harley looks down at a picture of the Joker, and the words target written below. Red Veins start to fill her eyes. DP is still talking..

“And ya know if you help out there might be a small cut of the payoff for ya. Of course getting to hang around with me is a reward in and of it self.  So you know this Joker?”

Harley stands up, hands clinched into fists…

“Yeah I know this Joker!! And if anyone is gonna ace my ex puddin, its gonna be ME!!!!!”

DP has a light bulb go off over his head… sputtering

“YOU!!! YOUR YOU!!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE… NO WAY!!!! You are the Jokers main squeeze!! Way to go DP, fall in love with… I should have known there couldn’t be two Harley Quinn’s in the world. Well as they say love is a blind hateful mistress, errrm or something like that.”

Both of them stare at each other over the table, Dp clears his throat…

“ Will you look at time, well places to go people to kill, uhh thanks for the great time, if you are ever in NY look me u….”

Before he can Finish Harley starts out the battle by slamming his head through the table with a large Mallet. Looking up from the shattered table, DP has a fast food cup on his head.

“Of course you know this means war!”

A huge battle ensues; different weapons of mass destruction are employed, as well as unconventional weaponry. Large guns, swords, knives, bowling pins…  

Soon the room is destroyed the group of people have all fled in terror and the Head Waiter is blackened and the one lone hair left on his head is on fire.  

Hiding behind an overturned table littered with bullet holes, a couple of knives and some arrows, DP begins reloading a hi-tech looking pistol.

A small ring comes from his belt. Reaching down he picks up his cell phone.

“Hello…. Richie? I am kinda busy here chubs, you having a heart attack or something? You sound terrible.”

The other end of the phone we see the bottom half of Jokers face, his legendary smile and gloved hand is holding a large gun to the side of Richie’s head. Sweat is rolling off in rivers from the bald man.

Back at DP

“What? Am I hearing you right? The Hits been called off?? Well that’s a fine how do you do! Of course my standard cancellation fee will be charged. Fine fine, get some exercise blobbo it will do you some good.”

DP Hangs up the phone, we see Richie's face again, he now has the tell tale sign of joker gas exposure the blood shot eyes and weird toothy grin with drool dripping from his mouth.

From behind the table we see a white napkin rise up on the end of a gun barrel. Slowly DP rises up from behind the table.

“Hey Harley good news my little combatant. The Hits been called off, I will be heading back to NY. Maybe we can take in a show or something before I leave. I hear they added a Spaying scene to Cats!!  Harley?? Harley??”

Sneaking up from behind we see Harley Holding a Huge fish. She pops DP in the back of the head. As he falls

“Waiter.. Check please!”


Scene: we see the outside of a Train or Airplane. Going into an interior we see a baggage compartment and sitting in the center is a large metal crate with the words live animal stamped on the side. Inside nothing but blackness

“Wha…where.. who… ouch me aching head.”

A couple of clicks of a Zippo we see DP hunched in the box, in front of him is a picture of Harley with a Kiss mark on it. A note is taped to it. He reads it out loud…

“Dear DP, I had a great time. Sorry about the head and the hitting it with a flounder. If you are ever back in Gotham look me up. XOXO Harley”

“Well ain’t that special. I will defiantly be looking Mrs. Quinn up, Just as soon as I figure out where the heck I am!!”

Zooming out we see a label on the crate. It reads


TIMBUKTU
HANDLE WITH CARE

End